Parking at a premium

CHRISTMAS is coming and I wish my local council would do something about the parking facilities hereabouts - I'm fed up with that fat guy landing on my roof!

Michael Jackson spaced out

FOR the sake of innocent young boys, Michael Jackson should be encouraged to perform his "Moon Dance" just one more time - and stay there!

Successful failure

IF at first you don't succeed, try and drag the other bastards down with you.

Facing facts?

John Connery claims that the people of Northern Ireland are the ugliest people in the world. Is this one fact that shouldn't be faced?

Sour grapes

REVENGE is sweet, Mark Latham, but has a tendency to turn sour.

Long distance?

DIAL-a-prayer keeps you hanging on for an eternity.

A cold front

Wouldn't it be wonderful if global warming were nothing more than something which melted the ice that keeps people and creeds poles apart?