Family tree.

I decided to research my family tree. But I didn't have any luck...it was a bonsai!

Viagra.

VIAGRA...fifty bucks a shot! Jeez...that's a stiff price!

Greenpeace activists.

SOME years ago, animal activists created such a stink that women were induced to relinquish the foul habit of wearing mink coats.
How wonderful it would be if those brave Greenpeace activists could emulate the kind of olfactory sensation that would cause the Japanese to abandon the cruel slaughter of whales via their malodorous "minke" boats.

Tookie

THE TERMINATOR has done it again. But this time, to my regret, he wasn't acting.

Down the chimney?

HOW did that ruddy faced Santa make his presence felt at our place this Christmas? Through the chimney? No! Through my ruddy credit card!

Feel at home

GEORGIE BEST will feel right at home in Heaven - there's a guy up there who can turn water into wine.

Ready. Get set. Go!

We don't have to win the human race...just save it!

Marital woes

A short-sighted Englishman inadvertently superglued his buttocks together. The sore point of the story is that his wife thought it funny and burst out laughing. I wonder if his marriage will come unstuck!

Christmas spirit

THE spirit of Christmas is in the hands of the giver which, if you're not careful, can put you in the hands of the receiver.

Calendar quotation (1960s)

KNOWING that you know little, is knowing a great deal indeed.

In the pink

SEXIST terminology sometimes works against the male. But don't worry fellers - she'll be right!

Safe sex

SAFE sex is great...but there's not much room!

Eye-opener

CORPSE coins were pennies placed on the eyelids of dead persons to prevent them from opening. Of course it doesn't work with politicians because their huge superannuation payouts are such an eye-opener.